Lessons From the Void

As I’m writing this, I’m slowly crawling out from a 48 hour migraine attack… Beaming. Grateful. Fragile.

The absence of pain, FINALLY -reminding me to NEVER take health and WELLth for granted again.

The attack came on after I passed out from exhaustion post sushi dinner. The hotel we were staying at ran out of water and I was too lazy to go buy some. Besides, I was drained from the last couple of sleepless nights. The hotels FIVE dogs had woken me up almost every hour, barking at every slight sign of life.

Dehydration + lack of sleep = a recipe for disaster.

Lying in bed alone, the relentless poignant pain behind my right eye reminds me how completely powerless I am no matter how much I want things to be different. I say some affirmations out loud and try to convince myself it’s not so bad, it’s not a migraine… The feigned positive thinking only makes me feel worse somehow.

I pray, I research, I squeeze the pressure centres on my hand, I put peppermint essential oil on my temples, I take a hot shower… then a cold one, then I dunk my hands in a plastic bag filled with ice, I put ice on the nape of my neck and my forehead, I try all my natural remedies and I do everything YouTube healers tell me to. I even buy some red Kratom (plant medicine) on recommendation from a friend. NOTHING works.

And so all is left is to I surrender and accept. I can’t DO my way out of this one. What is this situation trying to teach me? I’m still resisting.

Can I invite pleasure into this dark space somehow? It feels like a challenge…

I look around at the cold air-conditioned hotel room I’m in. Curtains drawn, protecting me FROM and depriving me OF the bright sun glaring just outside my window. I can feel the FOMO and self-pity bubbling to the surface. My last two days in the beach town of Uluwatu, Bali. spent here… in the dark. Really?

I think of my three favourite activities I had lined up for the goodbye:

Pole dancing class with the girls at the secret studio that took me so long to find, my fave salmon butter lemon tagliatelle dish at Ours restaurant and my latest discovery, Stoic philosophy night which was basically curated deep talks with strangers, which my inner nerd fell in love with.

Food, connection and expression… My raisons d’être. I won’t even have a chance to say bye to my friends in person. I’m holding on to hope that it will subside.

And yet deep down I know I have to cancel it all and reluctantly surrender to the depth of darkness. Ugh.

And so I ask myself, what is here for me? What have I been avoiding?

I breathe into the blinding pain. Welcoming it and accepting it as best I could. I ask myself, could I be open to and worthy of pleasure here?

I gently begin to caress my body with my fingertips, slowly massaging myself and drawing my attention to different body parts other than the throbbing pounding in my head.

This leads to a lazy and tender self-pleasure practice. An orgasm washing over me, only temporarily helping me forget about the pain. A wave of gratitude at the thought that this deep ecstatic pleasure can even exist in dark times. That pain and pleasure aren’t mutually exclusive.

That I am worthy and able to access this even when I feel imperfect, broken, defeated, weak. What a gift.

As I bask in my post orgasm glow, allowing the ecstasy to swirl and merge with the pain, I feel a deep wave of guilt and compassion. I think of the mother’s and employees who have to push through or take pharmaceuticals in order to follow through on their commitments.

In this moment, I realize how lucky I am to GET to experience the void, to get to bask in the darkness. Something most people desperately avoid. What a privilege allowing myself to go in and suffer in the darkness without distraction. To be able to BE with it instead of numbing and avoiding.

Fight Club immediately comes to mind. The scene where Tyler Durden, Brad Pitt’s deluded yet undeniably magnetic character kisses Ed Norton’s hand to then pour acid on it. Ed Norton tries to meditate the brutal pain away and Tyler instantly slaps him across the head, bringing him back to the present moment, yelling:

“Don’t deal with the pain the way dead people do, stay with it!!”

So no I didn’t get my pain to go away… even with my pleasure practices. Because it’s not always about that.

I had to be patient. I couldn’t rush the process. This experience brought me gratitude and appreciation for every single moment of life where I feel good in my body. A contrast experience as I like to call them.

Grateful for the choices I make every day to honour my body, from the whole foods I choose to put in it, to the daily movement practices I commit to and to the loving presence and voice I give to my emotions and feelings as they arise.

So what comes of it? Of visiting the void?

A deep remembrance of my role as underworld guide (I see myself as a priestess, oracle, creative and divine feminine guide well-versed in the mysteries of the unseen realms -more than a coach…)

A deep reassurance that the feminine isn’t the band aid solution, she doesn’t fix problems in the typical sense, she does something more… she gives you strength and trust to withstand the storm.

She brings colour to life, she brings wisdom, she brings depth, she brings emotionality, she brings evolution and growth -which isn’t always pretty or easy.

The feminine is so much more than JUST pleasure and softness.

She is a fierce teacher, she shows you how to BE with all of life so that you don’t fear or bypass what is thrown at you.

You learn to move and dance with it.

You learn to find the wisdom and the magic and the beauty and the ecstasy in the darkness.

This is a skill that transcends all spaces and scenarios, it’s invaluable to learn how to navigate all of life’s inevitable curve balls and hardships.

The feminine is the key to your resilience. She is your PATHWAY to pleasure and to power.

She is your greatest ally.

And this is why the system attempts to keep you disconnected from her… But she is here, within you, always available.


And I am here to help you meet more of her.