Part 2: I tried to be perfect but ended up being cheated on instead

“You were the best I ever had”

Those words etched into my brain, I could feel my cheeks turning red and heat rising up to my head.

Sitting on the mattress on the floor of his half finished apartment above the restaurant he owned, the smell of stale cigarettes in the air and his often neglected pit bull whimpering for attention, im cross legged in front of my laptop.

He had logged in to his MySpace, left the page open on his message to her.

His beautiful cool-girl ex, curly wild hair, band t-shirts and what I thought was unapologetic confidence. I of course, compared myself to her and saw all the ways she was better, freer, wilder than me.

She was the best he said -and what was I?

Tears streaming down my cheek, he caught me in my wave of emotion, the taste of betrayal and not enoughness making me feel small and insecure.

I told him what I saw. 

Outraged “how dare I read his private messages”. He felt betrayed. He felt betrayed…

And for me, it was more proof that my emotions were unsafe to share. (WHAT A LIE!!! A woman’s emotions are her SUPERPOWERS… and the key to her healing and her magnetism but that’s for another post and what I teach inside Magnetize Your Man )

He was angry I ruined our day with my indiscretion. We had plans to go to some waterfalls and have a picnic. 

“When you start a new book it doesn’t make you love the last book you read any less”

I supposed he was right…

I supposed I was exaggerating. Just being an overly emotional girl again…

I took responsibility, it was always my fault. I already had this inherent belief since childhood that I was somehow defective, bad. 

I understood that very clearly in religion class with the story of Adam & Eve.

Women are to blame.

Women are the problem.

Women are the original sin.

And so, how could it not be true here.

~

Did I mention when we started dating he was a soon to be dad? 

His on and off ex, another woman who refused to ever leave his side, was expecting. 

I felt like i was in adult territory so I tried to play it cool, to not let my uncertainty and fears be seen. I didn’t want the older kids to think I was lame…

Meanwhile, he’s disappearing more and more. 

And this time it’s Facebook he leaves open on my laptop. 

I don’t log out. I read it all. 

“I don’t give blowjobs casually. That night together really meant something to me”

A beautiful girl, younger and skinnier than me, more fun and artsy than me, declaring her love for him and begging him to hear her out.

I instantly compared myself to her, again, feeling small and not enough, imagining all the ways she must be better than me, visuals of her on her knees for him, swirling in my mind.

My whole world came crashing down. Reality setting in. A complete lack of trust in myself. How could I love someone like this? What the hell was wrong with me!??! But I couldn’t help it.

And of course, how dare I betray his trust and lurk in his private messages. 

He flipped it on me and I believed him. Again, I betrayed HIM.

And no, I’m not a stupid girl. My mind was always sharp, i was a quiet introvert and voracious reader of philosophy and literature, I graduated at the top of my entire grade in high school, i was a super nerd. This was not stupidity. 

This was a lack of self-worth. As a result of the wounding of the masculine and feminine in society and the impact it’s had on our culture and the family unit. As a result of the death of community and the focus on the material at the expense of the emotional and spiritual.

Yes I had parents and they were together. Yes they loved me the best way they knew how although it wasn’t how I wanted. Yes my physical needs were taken care of. Yes I lived in a big house and went on incredible trips to Europe and had a chalet in the Laurentians and skied every weekend. 

But the focus on productivity and money, on surface accolades, on outer beauty devoid of soul and connection… 

This was the patriarchal capitalist impact on the family, on the feminine.

WHERE WAS THE DIVINE FEMININE IN OUR CULTURE!?!?

-Men totally unable to process their emotions from all the pressure, taking it out on everyone around them, emotionally abusing and handicapping their children, while trying to accumulate more more more to prove their value. 

-Women striving for the new feminist ideal, the CEO boss in a power suit, on birth control proving she can do it all, working 80 hour weeks, hiring nannies to raise the kids, totally disconnected from her feelings and desires and body…

Leaving the children to be raised by Hollywood movies and the government. 

The hunger for more clouding what was right in front of us…

Namely, a young woman that was falling apart while playing the part.

Having my physical needs met was clearly not enough.

Denial and doing it all and bearing it with a smile, as a woman should, was what I knew.

And this relationship was the external representation of all I believed to be true about myself and my worth and role in the world as a woman.

TO DO IT ALL, TO BE TOUGH, TO BE THE DUTIFUL WIFE.

Looking back… it’s no wonder I ended up swimming in a sea of alcohol, drugs and debauchery. I didn’t know emotional safety at home and this felt familiar. 

Living like I had a death wish was the only time I felt alive.

…

Sharing this feels edgy and important. If anything comes up for you as you read, I would love to hear from you in the comments or over in my DMs on IG

Part 3 coming soon…