I hated the feminine so I turned to alcohol.

Growing up, I bought into the ideal of the powerhouse woman who could do it all. She had a fancy career where men respected her because she was all business and no bullshit. She didn’t waste time with silly girly things like feelings. She made her career a priority and the relationship would come later, perhaps as a result of making it in life.

I was taught all you could trust was your mind and that emotions would steer you astray. Only that which can be proven was valid. 

With this belief system ingrained in me, my emotions made me feel weak. My body made me feel vulnerable. My intuition and depth made me feel like an outsider.

So I cut off my feminine yearning for love and connection and my desire to be seen. I nipped it at the bud and acted like I was too cool for school and I didn’t need any of that gushy stuff. I acted like I didn’t care, like I didn’t need to feel or be loved.

But deep down inside I, of course, still craved the feminine. 

I was SO ashamed of that desire. I was ashamed that I wanted to be loved and to be seen. I was ashamed that my intuition and my body were telling me something different than what my mind was programmed to believe. I hated this part of myself that so desperately wanted to be expressed but that I continuously shut down. 

I found comfort in alcohol, in disconnecting from all the conflicting thoughts in my head, in allowing myself to let loose and be free with the excuse of alcohol in my back pocket. I could flirt, dance, yell… all the things I was too ashamed to do sober and conscious. But things got dark pretty quickly. This freedom I found turned to something else. All the emotions I had suppressed in my conscious life were coming out when my mind was completely annihilated. And it wasn’t pretty.

This is just one of the ways we’ve internalized society’s loathing for the feminine and self-destructed as a result. It’s taken me years to heal this wound and nurse my divine feminine back to life. 

Through self-love practices, sobriety, sisterhood, sensual self-expression, spirituality I found my way home. 

This is why it’s important to me to find new ways to do business, ways in which the feminine gifts of self-expression, desire, darkness, emotions, intuition, flow are celebrated and honoured. 

Because they are gifts. Not shackles as the patriarchy would have us believe. 

And only when I learnt to embrace it ALL, my inner feminine and masculine did I become the happy, passionate, fulfilled, confident woman before you today that is here to uplift and support mission-driven women on their own journeys of empowerment. 

xo

Sabrina

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