Sex & Soul: Moon Diary, Shadow to Shadow

A raw glimpse into the hidden layers of the feminine and a creative exploration of sensual self-expression

Angel or devil? Woman is all. Aries vs Libra, they say opposites attract.
Through relationship we heal our wounds, but do we inevitably create more?

I cut him out without giving him a chance
Aries impulsiveness
He went for the jugular without knowing and added insult to injury by feigning normalcy 
I fired back with silence and solid termination, no option for redemption
Egos pinned against each other
On opposite ends of the zodiac
Aries fire and Libra breeze
Shadow to shadow instead of balancing each other’s wounds, we fueled them
Can we piece together the ashes and be born anew
Have we broken karmic patterns to leave room to move beyond dualities 

I’m healing my patterns, the ghosts of relationships past, the childhood bonds that tie me to my inner rage. Transmuting it and healing it for my own sake. For the possibility of divine partnership one day.

Can I ask for forgiveness? Will he accept it. Will he ask for mine? Does it matter. Can we show each other love without ever haven spoken the words? Did it all implode too soon. Can I accept having my vulnerability being rejected? I think so, I’ve been humbled today. The alchemizing is happening in my heart space. That’s where you feel the shifts. 

I reacted the way my father did to me when I didn’t submit to his will. Cut throat. I just cut him out and removed my love. To punish him for the hurt that he caused. Conditional love. That hurt me so much, my entire life, the scars of which are still healing. I need to break the generational pattern instead of perpetuate it. 

I never had the opportunity to heal this. I’ve never been in relationship before. I didn’t know this was how I was. I’m learning so much about myself. At the expense of another perhaps. At the expense of partnership.

We’re all tools and weapons for each other. I’ve already learnt so much. The gifts of turning in. So much gratitude for the growth made possible. And how it hurts. But how I grow. 

Breathwork for two hours today. Embrace your flaws and your fears. Can you love yourself through them?There’s always a gift in the pain. I’m not the same person I was yesterday. Pay attention, let it happen, allow it transform you. 

Up at 5:55 am today and I’m still awake so full of energy. 
It’s 1:33am.

There’s a calm. A silence in my mind. I feel like something broke inside me. Something changed. Something is different. It’s quiet.