In The Mood For Self-Love: Orgasms In and Out of Relationship

Serious question. Do you stop pleasuring yourself once you start having sex with a partner?

I was seeing someone last summer and my solo sex practice started dwindling within a month of us beginning to have sex and it quickly became totally non-existent. This is alarming to me because I’m kind of the queen of promoting self-pleasuring, I’m very independent (Aries Sun!) and I hate relying on others to get a job done. Self-love saved my life and self-love includes SELF-LOVING. Sexy lingerie selfie sessions are part of my top 5 essential self-love practices. That shit is sacred to me. Celebrating my beauty and sensuality, becoming the artist and the muse, and living out my fantasy of being the star of a tasteful erotic film never not elevates my mood. It makes me feel like a sex goddess and shifts my entire energetic field. I can be in a shitty state of mind and as soon as I put on my ‘songs to sex to’ playlist, light some scented candles, slip into my sultriest lingerie, add some dewy highlighter to my cheekbones, dim the lights and put on my neon pink girls girls girls sign (most flattering light ever!) and start snapping away and taking videos, all my worries slowly fade away. I’m in the moment. Tapped in. Letting my creative juices flow, in awe of my femininity, in control of what’s captured.

I explore, I play, I dance. I turn myself on. By the time I reach for my vibrator I’m already so hot and bothered… well let’s just say I barely ever need to re-charge it. Romancing yourself is the best foreplay, in my humble opinion. 

If you need more reasons.. Here are some BENEFITS OF ORGASMS: giving yourself orgasms releases stress and connects you to your body and femininity. It improves your confidence and your body image. It reminds you of your immense power, of the crazy sacred energy you can harness between your legs and in your womb. It helps you get to know yourself so that you can have even better sex with a partner. It activates powerful creative life force energy. It keeps you healthy and blissed out. 

But throughout the years, when I started becoming more comfortable with being vocal about female pleasyre, I started asking around and noticed that many women once coupled up forego this essential and healthy practice. There’s this belief that having sex with a partner suddenly fulfills all your sexual needs. As if solo sexy time is a sad substitute for sex with others. As if self-pleasure is some desperate act, some dirty secret reserved for the unloved sad girls just waiting for their knight and shining armour to pick them. You know, something to do in the meantime to get yourself off, to fulfill a basic human physical need. The truth is women who masturbate tend to be healthier and happier and have more satisfying sex lives. 

Photo by Chloe Raymond

Masturbation and sexual intercourse fulfill two completely different roles in your life. One nurtures an intimate connection to self, it helps you get to know your body and your desires, and is an empowering practice. The other fosters connection to another and the expression of emotion, maybe love, maybe lust, but some sort of connection to other, physical and ideally emotional and spiritual as well.

And like everything, if the relationship with self is not solid the relationship with another will inevitably be shaky. And probably pretty unfulfilling. If we neglect the relationship we have to our own bodies and pleasure, it’ll show up elsewhere in our lives. And definitely in our sex life. To become totally dependent on someone else for our orgasms is putting wayyy too much power in their hands, pun intended, and way too much pressure on their abilities to get you off. 

And you know what’s funny? After all that neglect, my body knew something was up. I was sleeping one night and half woke up in a dream and felt compelled to touch myself… as soon as I came I started getting all these crazy visions/downloads and began to journal everything that was coming up for me. I felt an unblocking, a flood of knowledge that came through once the gates were open again. The next morning I understood that neglecting that side of myself was blocking my intuition and ability to channel. So I would argue that self-pleasure also connects you to your inner feminine wisdom and to the divine. And you know what? A week after my little theta state orgasm when I reclaimed my sexual agency, it became clear to me that I didn’t need to settle for less than all that I desired. I had a quiet, calm but powerful assurance that my soul was seeking more from partnership than simple companionship and sex. I felt confident walking away from something that was no longer serving me, even though it was nice and comfortable. It wasn’t lighting me up. And I wasn’t scared to stand alone because I remembered my power and I had a strong relationship to myself, as a woman but also a channel for the divine. I knew I could always count on me. And my trusty vibe.